Tag Archives: doubts

Communication Confession

So, not much news today, but soon, I swear.

However, I’m going to ramble a bit, as certain things have appeared into my view that I need to talk about. It’ll be short, simple, and to the point, with no pictures to distract.

Ever had a moment when you question something you felt firm and secure? It could be anything: relationships/friendships, day job, career path, self-publishing details. If you’ve ever felt that about ANYTHING, then welcome to my current boat. Because I’ve got a LOAD of those doubts, or, at least I had.

Those curveballs life throws at you can hurt and debilitate, right? Make you question every decision you’ve ever made?

Well, that’s been me within the last month or so. Every choice I second guess, and the ones I don’t second guess come out wrong. I’m going to admit a mental problem I have, because I need to get it off my chest.

Communicating has always been a struggle for me, since I was a child. If I spoke without thinking, the wrong words would come out. I’m still like that, and it’s frustrating. Poor word choice, joking around too soon, and describing something I really know a lot about is a daily struggle. It’s not a condition or disability, but rather a disconnect in my vocabulary and common sense departments. Someone could be talking with me about a topic I know really well, and I still struggle to use terms and logic and phrasing that normal people could understand. I’ve learned over the years that, even if something I say aloud makes sense to me, 9 times out of ten, it’s confusing as $h!t to the general public.

This has impacted friendships and relationships, and God bless my parents and family for getting me to a debatable level of communication, and my poor boyfriend for having to deal with it full-time in the present day.

The written world is fine. I can spin a yarn and tell fantastic stories with the written/typed word until kingdom come. It’s more so expressing my opinions and instructions in the verbal word that I struggle with. For example, I could do mental math, and if you asked me to explain how I got it, you’re better off having me write it out, because all you’ll hear will be the “womp womp” of Charlie Brown adults.

I know most of y’all don’t have this kind of issue, so you can’t relate, but I’ve had to train myself to think over anything before I say it. As such, either I wait too long to contribute, speak too quickly and cause problems, or remain in silence until the person I’m communicating with thinks I’m doubting things or feeling conflicted.

I just kinda wanted to rant on this Wednesday’s blog post, as it has a BIG factor in my day-to-day life, and one I fear might mess me up someday.

My advice? If you doubt something, TALK TO SOMEONE. Even though I have communication problems, I have a good amount of people that know of this problem and can nudge me in the right direction to communicating better with others. Find a small group like that, a group that you can talk to about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Trust me, getting doubts and fears off your chest makes the burden easier to carry.

Until next week, Vikans:


Journey of Legends: The 2015 MoPO Kickstarts

WOW! What a month it’s been!

Wait…. You say I haven’t posted in over a month? How long? About six months? Yikes. Sorry about that, readers. I have no other excuse for that other than big plans for the future have taken up most of my time. That, and the day job, and having to take on the responsibilities of an adult. (Why must I adult? Can I not adult today? No? Okay then.)

Those big plans will have an announcement of their own in the near future, once details have been finalized. But, I guarantee you, they are BIG. At least for me. 🙂 I’m planning on writing on here more frequently, but don’t hold me to it. I may have a sprained wrist from all the typing I’ll be doing soon.

The AMAZING journalists

Anyway, this post isn’t about me. It’s about two writers, with a hope, a dream, and a Kickstarter. These two writers are Tee Morris and Pip Ballantine. They are not only my friends and mentors, but also my role models and idols. (Lucky me, huh?) They initiated a Kickstarter in the hopes of self-publishing book 5 in their popular Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences series, titled The Ghost Rebellion. While I have loved their writing pre-Ministry, the MoPO series has always had a close place in my heart. I love the characters (the main characters are my favorites. Wellington, because I think he’s cute when he’s nervous. and Eliza, because she’s a fiery loose cannon who doesn’t care what others think [a trait I wish I had]. Just my opinion though), I love the intricate plots, and I love the firepower (explosions, gun fights, advanced cars that certain characters underestimate at first *coughcough*Eliza*coughcough*). The storylines are so well written and had me hooked during that first scene in Phoenix Rising, with my chills mirroring the ones the characters were having in that cold tundra.

Their Kickstarter was mainly made with the just the 5th book as their main goal. They had stretch goals that included special models for covers, publishing the SIXTH book, AND a deviously inappropriate novella entitled Countless Hues of Crimson, which has connections to the main series, but I am sworn to secrecy as to the details (Not really; I only know how it connects, and pretty much anyone connected to MoPO knows that). I told them from Day One: “You will make it to that last goal. I don’t doubt it for a second.”

They said: “We’ll see.”

Anyway, the Kickstarter started out strong. They had bursts here and there, with some weekends gaining upwards of a couple grand between Fridays to Sundays. They actually reached their initial $6000 goal, which ensured the publication of The Ghost Rebellion.

I said: “See? You got that far that quick! I am positive you’ll reach that last goal!”

Them: “We’re going to be cautiously excited. You can be overly excited for us.”

As the Kickstarter progressed, they reached their first Stretch goal, to get specific cover models for TGR, very soon after.

Me: “I KNOW for a FACT you will get that ultimate end goal.”

Them: “We might, but we’re not going to get too excited. I looks like it may be a possibility though.”

Last Sunday, they reached their next stretch goal, which, my friends, was to be able to publish the SIXTH and FINAL book in the MoPO series, OPERATION: ENDGAME!!! It wasn’t until then that the Ministry ‘journalists’ started getting excited. Via Periscope, they uncorked champagne, made a fire pit, and lamented the lack of marshmallows. They started talking about Countless Hues of Crimson, with vague, interest-peaking details coming to light. That goal would become reality at $20,000, a full 5 Grand from their Operation: Endgame goal.

Me: “You still have a week for that last goal. I know you’ll get there. 100% positive!!”

Them: “Operation: Endgame is a definite. We don’t know if we’ll get to CHoC, but at least we have that. It’s definitely a nail-biter though.”


Can you imagine my eyeroll of disbelief? I have told them for YEARS how big the Ministry was. You’d think they’d know by now, but they still doubted their abilities to write an unbelievable story full of twists, turns, and the adventures of two unlikely agents. Remember, I told them from DAY ONE that they had enough support that they could do this and THEY STILL DOUBTED!!

Guess what?

Yesterday afternoon, I get a chat message from Tee:

“And $20k.”

“And 5 hours to go.”

“You told me so.”

Followed by an appropriate GIF.

I have not let him forget it in the last 24 hours. It’s actually kinda fun, and though I know it annoys him, I do it for a reason. I want him to remember this amazing, unbelievable victory whenever he doubts his writing. I want him to remember earning over 21k in 30 days using nothing but the power of the MoPO fans and the epicness that is the internet and social media.

As Lucian would tell him, “Keep Faith.” All he has to do is keep faith and know that what he does has made a difference in not only his life, but has made an impact in the lives of many others, as seen by the results of this journey.

It’s been a wild ride, and it’s only going to get wilder.

To Eliza and Wellington, I can’t wait to see the end of this adventure.

To Tee and Pip, congrats on such a sweet-tasting victory.

Oh, and  I told you so. 😉

MoPO 2015 Kickstarter Victory v3

Optimistic Heart

131007-093034I’ve been thinking about lots of stuff lately. Between work picking up pace, my friends and sister getting ready to graduate, and a death in the extended family, I’ve decided to reevaluate my life.

My life as a new author has been rough. I’ve been monitoring my sales page, which has been very depressing for the past few months. It made me wonder if I made a bad decision in self-publishing this novel. I’ve also thought about sending copies to review bloggers, but my mind does something to me every time I debate about an action.

Imagining the Worst Case Scenario.

I read some of these bloggers’ submission details, and when it says they post their reviews everywhere, both positive and negative ones, all I can think is, “What if it’s negative? What if my writing isn’t as decent as I had hoped? What if I get a bad review, and that scares others from even giving my novel a chance? That could ruin my shot at getting bigger…”

I have this OCD trait where I want everybody to like me. It doesn’t matter if I see or talk to someone for a few seconds in my entire life; I want that person to like me for those few seconds. It’s become such a paralyzing problem, because then I second-guess my thoughts. I walk on eggshells, trying to ensure that each person I meet or interact with doesn’t have negative thoughts about me and my behaviors and mental/emotional state.

TheProtektorsReality_400x640_115dpiThe thing I’ve come to realize recently, is that you can’t please everyone. You will always have haters, especially if you put your work out for the world to see. It comes with the job, and it’s something I’ve struggled with since Day 1.

I need to refocus on my dream, what I want, and how to get there, and not focus on the negativity that my mind creates for me. Being a pessimist has always come easy, the true challenge is getting past that. Despite the scenarios my imagination creates to scare me, I have always been optimistic about my dreams. I have always hoped to be partially-successful as an author. I always hoped I would sell tons of copies of my books, to prove to myself that I’m a good writer and that others enjoy the stories I have created.

The following lyrics are from a song that was released only a few days ago, by an AMAZING Youtuber named Tyler Ward. It’s an original song he wrote (and he had another video showing him going through the songwriting process for this very song), and it was perfect for what I had been thinking about for the week prior.

“So I’ll blame it on my Optimistic Heart,

At least I’ll have stories for my scars,

American Dream my life away,

When all of my dreams cry, “MAYDAY, MAYDAY!”,

I may lose my heart,

But one day I’ll be a star.”

So, for the others of you out there that have regret your decisions or lose faith in your dreams, “Try not to care what others think,” and have an Optimistic heart. Just keep trying. You’ll get there someday.

Good luck, Dreamers. “One day, [you’ll] be a star.”